The American Way: An Inappropriate Parody of our History

The American Way is simple. Engage and assimilate. America has never been simply content to kick ass and leave. Instead, we kick ass and then marvel at the shit that came out of said ass.

For instance, we kicked Mexico’s ass and now have the great state of Texas.

What else did we get out of it? Salsa! And I’m not just talking about the sauce you dip your chips into. Unless of course you made that sentence a metaphor, where Salsa is the lovely women of Latin descent and your chip is, well… a phallic object.

In that case you’ve gone too far and should seek medical attention for extreme lewdness. But supposing you didn’t, I’m talking about the sauce AND the dancing.

But how did we come to acquire such wonderful things? We kicked ass. And then had the remaining Mexicans settle down and become American citizens and told them their food was great. That’s all fine and dandy but the problem arose when the creators of Salsa realized that Americans were suckers enough to pay for it!

So was born the American Way. We go somewhere, we kick ass, stake claim, and then enjoy all the wonderful and bountiful fruits of the local populace we just fought with. And then they start charging us for it.

Ain’t it a wonderful world Louis?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get my boss some disgusting mock of a burrito from Taco Del Mar, one of many chain restaurants whose secret motto must be eat, shit, and die.

Note: I am well aware that we didn’t kick Mexico’s ass to get Texas. Texans kicked Mexico’s ass to get Texas and then the Texans decided they wanted to donate Texas to America in exchange for statehood and citizenship. Good call Texas.

One Response to “The American Way: An Inappropriate Parody of our History”

  1. Could we trade it back?

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