Unicorns and the Death of Tim

This is the conversation that led me to looking up Unicorns on Wikipedia. I seriously hope none of you (my

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readers) are all that religious.

Otherwise this is gonna be really terrible.

Tim: Portent U is at 2:30?

Evan: It God damned better be

Tim: -GASP- You just damned God

Evan: Well
Evan: The guy does need some bringing down
Evan: Fellows got himself quite a narcissistic tendency
Evan: Always with the ineffable this or that

Tim: Yeah!
Tim: He creates a few things, gets a big ego.

I did a finger-painting just the other day, you don’t see me bragging about it, making people bow down
Tim: Worship me!

Evan: Very true
Evan: The whole, I don’t like this World I made I’m gonna wash it away and make some fucker grab two of everything so I can start over
Evan: That was just stupid

Tim: I know! Just two? What if one break

s? Then you have one, you can’t do anything with just one
Tim: How many things died out that day?
Tim: We’ll never know

Evan: True dat

Tim: Lame. No redundancy

Evan: Fucking Unicorns got the fuzzy end of that stick

Tim: Exactly!
Tim: Here one day, gone the next

Evan: Kind of makes you happy to be alive
Evan: It’s like, fuck. My ancestors could have been Unicorns and then I’d be totally fucked

Tim: Well, the whole hanging out with virgins thing was probably good while it lasted. I bet those Unicorns

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aren’t complaining.

Evan: OK, take a step back and explain to me how the virgins come into this

The conversation then removed itself from it’s digital manifestation and entered the world of audible vibrations at which point Tim asked me where I went to school. I responded with the Izzard-esque response of, this is not a game of where the fuck did you go to school.

Tim then prompted me to educate myself on practical, accurate, and historical myth. With specific regards to Unicorns.

It is at this point that my browser history goes from that a of a bad-ass 19 year old SEO expert with a taste for video games, music and the occasional visit to The Everywhereist; to a 14 year-old girl looking for pictures of Unicorns and trying to figure out why the other girls at school called her a virgin.

I am ashamed to say I had no idea it required a virgin to tame a Unicorn. I am proud to say I don’t give a flying fuck. Now carry on with your day and wonder not Tim’s fate.


6 Responses to “Unicorns and the Death of Tim”

  1. Your link to everywhereist.com is incorrect.

  2. I wonder what ever happened to Tim. I think I saw him in that movie with a rabbit and holy hand grenades…

  3. DOH! Link fixed. Thanks Robert :)

  4. Your right you know. Why would you only grab two. You probably just answered why dragons and unicorns no longer exist. Thats kind of douche esque Noah

  5. My question: how come the aquatic mythological creatures don’t still exist? If the flood were to come, wouldn’t the Nessies and the Crackens and the mermaids actually become more powerful? Or were they beached somewhere outside Mt. Arafat when the tides went out?

  6. They probably got tossed around and hit their head on something. What with the massive tsunamis that were likely caused by the flooding. Barring that, displacement of natural food sources would be another good explanation. There’s always God’s wrath and the whole mythical factor but I’d like to think those forces wouldn’t meddle in such trivial matters.

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